


Five Times Thor Told the Avengers about Kinky Asgardian Sex Practices

by yummy_mingjien



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alien Culture, Aliens, Crack, Crossdressing, Electricity, Gore, Multi, Orgy, Tentacles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 21:26:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11067465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yummy_mingjien/pseuds/yummy_mingjien
Summary: 5 times Thor told the Avengers about kinky Asgardian sex practices and one time he didn't. Or Thor overshares way to much and space vikings are weird.





	Five Times Thor Told the Avengers about Kinky Asgardian Sex Practices

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta read, sorry. This languished quite a while on my hard drive, so it's not terribly up-to-date. Enjoy anyway.

1 Alien

It was not long after they all started living together that they started having movie nights in order to help Steve and Thor catch up on pop culture. On one fateful night Clint chose _Alien_. Thor watched the creature with great interest and after one particularly gory scene he announced. “There’s a similar creature that lives on Niflheim."

Steve ever so polite made an encouraging sound and gestures for Thor to continue.

Thor grinned. "Loki tried bedding it once. He said the corrosive bodily fluids to be slightly unpleasant. I never dared to try it for they have teeth in unusual places.”

They all stared at him in horror and tried furiously to repress all unbidden images that came to mind after that statement. Judging the expressions on both Clint's and Tony's face this didn't succeed entirely. Steve just regreted all his life choices. They did somehow manage to end the evening without any more details from Thor. That was counted as a victory for humanity in general and for the team's sanity especially.

After Thor went to bed the others voted unanimously to never ever again show Thor any kind of monster movie.

 

2 Orgy

Tony, Clint, Natasha and Steve were in the middle of planning Bruce's birthday party when Thor entered. After they explained the situation to him a huge grin split his face.

“Ah, my friends, I'm glad to hear that we at least share this custom. It has been too long since my last orgy. I sorely missed it. We shall share mead, mind and bodies to celebrate the conception of our beloved friend.”

“Uhm, there might be a problem.” Tony as always found his voice first.

“Do not fear, friend Tony. If the green beast appears I shall gladly handle it. I have known greater manhoods than his and always took great pleasure.” Thor smiled reassuringly.

“Uh no, that is not what I meant. By the way too much information sharing. Again. On earth we don't do birthday orgies." Tony scratched his head in thought. "Although, thinking about it maybe we should reconsider this sad lack of a lovely tradition. I could volunteer my own birthday for some try outs...”

“Tony!” Natasha's voice had a dangerous edge.

“But for now let's stick to the normal non-sexual partying.” Tony continued hastily.

Thor's face fell and he grumbled something that sounded suspiciously like “Sometimes I understand why Loki considers this realm as boring.”

But after a while he got over his disappointment and helped eagerly to make this birthday a happy occasion for Bruce. The others tried once again not to think too much about Asgardian customs and reminded themselves that Thor wasn't human and didn't have to share all of their morals, only the important ones.

  

3 Storm

Thor stood atop the Avengers Tower and let the storm envelop him. The wind tore at him as he stretched his arms. The rain slicked his naked flesh and thunder rumbled through his bones while lightning coursed through his veins. It was glorious.

Clint watched the spectacle from a safe distance and tried not to flinch when Thor was hit by lightning again. Bruce joined him in the observation and asked after a couple of moments, “Should we be worried? That doesn't look healthy.”

They both cringed when lightning struck again only this time it didn't ground out but arched along Thor's limbs and crackled on his skin.

“I think he's enjoying himself. When I asked him earlier he said something about the 'sacred union with the elements'. Then he spoke of fertilizing the lands and I thought it was better to leave him alone.” Clint answered.

“Hm. Interesting. But don't tell Tony. He's already thinking too much about Thor's weird sex life. And every time someone mentions Thor and electricity in the same sentence he gets that unholy gleam in his eyes. The one that speaks of experiments.” Bruce made a vague gesture with his hand to summarize Tony and his tendencies.

Clint nodded in understanding. Friends don't let their friends use Norse gods as lab rats. After the next lightning strikes Thor, he soars up in the air and vanishes into the storm with thunder so powerful that it makes the building shake. Clint and Bruce linger a moment longer and then go back to their respective engagements. Bruce wonders briefly if the inhabitants of ancient Scandinavia got it right when they labeled Thor the god of thunder. Maybe he wasn't just an insanely powerful alien, maybe he was more.

Bruce tried to shrug off the feeling that he had witnessed something sacred and reminded himself of Thor's childish delight in poptarts and puppies, his love for movies and stories, and his so human expression of pain, love and anger whenever he fought with Loki. But some doubt remained.

  

4 Tentacles

The monster they were battling this week was barely bigger than a SUV but surprisingly destructive. Tony attested this to the six extra-long tentacles the creature possessed. Not that the regular length tentacles didn't cause enough havoc. At least the slime it secreted didn't seem harmful, just disgusting. It also had a habit to shift its skin through all kinds of colors and patterns. It was kind of pretty in a very abstract fractal geometric way.

Thor was regarding the creature with a peculiar expression. Tony refused to call it anything else than 'peculiar', even 'fascinated' seemed to disturbing for his mind. Thor boomed like only a god of thunder could while showing his empty hand as a sign of peace.

“Greetings valiant creature. I am Thor Odinson, heir to the throne of Asgard. Might I enquire your purpose in this realm?” Thor sometimes got oddly formal and pompous when meeting new people.

The tentacle monster screeched and clicked back and Thor tilted his head as if in contemplation.

“That is a valid choice for a way of life. But might a beautiful maiden like you not find a less destructive path?”

The monster screeched again and Thor replied: “Yes, I understand. But can we not resolve this matter peacefully? It would be so much more pleasant.”

Thor stroked one of the tentacles in a friendly way. At least Tony told himself that it was friendly or maybe gallantly. Thor obviously tried to be polite to what he considered a lady tentacle monster. The monster roared back and Thor answered in what was _definitely_ not a husky voice. “I would be most unhappy to vanquish you in battle.”

He continued stroking the tentacle. For a moment nothing happened, then the tentacle monster threw Thor into the next building. The battle after that did not take too long. They only needed some explosives and a couple of blows with Mjölnir to kill the monster. Thor looked strangely miserable after they had finished. “It is sad to slay such a fair lady with such well-shaped tentacles.”

Clint, damn his soul to hell and back, could not keep quiet after that comment. “What are you saying? Are you saying what I think you're saying? Because that's just gross.”

Thor looked at them with a rare expression. It was not his mortals-are-strange look, it was the far rarer by-Odin's-beard-mortals-are- _so_ -stupid look that held an insulting amount of pity. “Everyone knows that a good set of tentacles has to be appreciated. I once had a tryst with a Blekkfisk on Vanaheim and his tentacles were magnificent. He was an excellent lover, both gentle and forceful at the right time. He was also a very talented poet. He had a special gift for kennings.”

“Oh God!” Clint looked thoroughly disgusted now. “Well, on Earth we don't do that. Tentacles are just not okay. Just not.”

For a moment Thor's face was difficult to read then he went away with a huff. “Don't lie to me, Clint Barton. I do know how to use the internet.”

Tony immediately started cursing himself for giving Thor access to that particular den of depravity, and when he met four accusing glares the only thing he could think of to say was: “Don't blame me, blame the Japanese.”

 

5 Crossdressing

It all started with a fight against some wannabe evil overlord who managed to get his hands on some magical device. Said device promptly knocked Thor out and turned him into a woman. A hot blonde amazon goddess of hotness. They wiped the floor with wannabe overlord and his minions in under ten minutes.

Thor regained consciousness shortly after they arrived back at the tower. They were all curious what his reaction would be. Thor looked down his front then boomed (because his ability to boom was obviously not going to be impaired by something so small as turning into a hot blonde warrior woman). “Loki, I have need of you.”

Thor had obviously never thought of telling them that he had the ability to summon Loki, because the other god immediately appeared. Tony was slightly annoyed that none of his security measures showed any effect on Loki. He felt some small amount of satisfaction when he saw Loki's face. His jaw hung open and he _boggled._ He was positively flabbergasted.

But any hopes of fast resolution of the situation flew out of the window when they heard Thor's next words: “Brother, I need you to take me with your giant cock!”

In the blink of an eye Loki grew two feet and they were both naked. And Jesus, Thor wasn't joking about the giant cock. After that the Avengers beat a hasty retreat. Tony didn't even have time to properly ogle Thor's breasts.

Loki stayed for three days at the tower. The other Avengers had to temporarily move out. Because apparently Tony's soundproofing could not withstand two horny Norse gods.

Clint glared at the building from a safe distance. “If I ever hear the phrase 'mount me, brother' again, I'm going to start killing people.”

“If I ever hear that phrase again, you may start with me.” Bruce answered.

Tony was busy repressing. And drinking. One cannot forget the drinking.

Seven days after Loki had left Thor finally stopped permanently smiling in bliss. It took him a month to stop prancing around in a truly staggering amount of different dresses. The only outfit he wore more than once was some sort of armor that looked like it could belong to Xena. The fact that Loki had turned him back to his male form and the second night didn't seem to matter to Thor.

 

\+ 1 Hearts

When the Avengers burst into the room to save Thor, Loki was eating his heart. This time they actually managed to subdue Loki. Thor had to repeatedly reassure them that he was okay and that Asgardian hearts grew back. Secretly he loosened Loki's bonds and promised him that they would soon finish what they started; that he would then eat a piece of Loki's heart.

Thor didn't explain to the other Avengers what the sharing of hearts meant because it was something very intimate. Thor had learned at last that humans possessed somewhat delicate sensibilities. When he had shared the story of Sleipnir's conception his mortal friends had been shocked.

Thor never quite understood why. After all it was only a horse, and a magnificent horse at that. Svaðilfari was charming, handsome and had a good heart. Sleipnir was the pride of the whole of Asgard. He didn't share the stories of Loki's other children with the Avengers. He had been raised a prince and he knew how to be considerate of another race's sensibilities. If he had shared the story of Hela his friends might not have worried so much.

Later that night when Thor was licking Loki's blood from his fingers and lips, Loki smiled at him with the unholy glee that had earned him the epithet of 'mischief maker'. “I think I should bed all your little Avenger friends. It will broaden their horizon.”

Thor found this to be an amusing thought and he was tempted to give in. But he had to make sure that Loki didn't go too far. “You will not force them?”

“Of course not. As if I had to use such crude methods.” Loki sniffed.

“Promise me that I will be there when you tell them or provide any other records of their reactions.”

“You have a deal, brother.” Loki's smile was razor sharp and really should have worried Thor. It didn't. They shook hands on their deal.

“May I suggest that you start with JARVIS, the spirit Tony Stark constructed? He has the most delicate control of electrical currents I have ever seen. Also, I think he's greatly underappreciated.”

Loki grinned at him, went to the next wall and simply melted into it with a giggle. Thor smiled indulgently. The next couple of weeks would be anything but boring. But he had his brother back and that was the most important thing. He fell asleep to the happy humming of the tower and the faint giggles of his brother.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Comments and Kudos are always appreciated.


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